Living with PTSD

I thought rather naively that this was for soldiers.  I learned the hard way that this is not true.  I have since met other sufferers- from fires and car accidents.  You often can’t tell by looking at them- “You look so good, though.” Like many brain diseases, you generally look & act normal.  This is good/bad news. Sometimes I just feel like saying, So What?

I’ll post a site giving more info, but the symptoms, treatments, etc, take many forms. Firstly, it’s very common (3 million a year), it needs to be diagnosed by a healthcare professional, and no medical tests are required.  It’s a disorder after a traumatic event in which flashbacks, anxiety, uncontrollable thoughts, & nightmares may occur.  Just coping with life is difficult.

I feel all of these symptoms except the family detachment.  Often they are my lifeline.

• Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world
• Hopelessness about the future
• Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event
• Difficulty maintaining close relationships
• Feeling detached from family and friends
• Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed
• Difficulty experiencing positive emotions|
• Feeling emotionally numb

Avoidance

Symptoms of avoidance may include:

• Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
• Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event

Yep, that’s me.  But it’s virtually impossible to do so. A smell, a person, a picture can remind you.

Changes in physical and emotional reactions

Symptoms of changes in physical and emotional reactions (also called arousal symptoms) may include:

• Being easily startled or frightened
• Always being on guard for danger
• Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast
• Trouble sleeping.                
• Trouble concentrating
• Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior
• Overwhelming guilt or shame

Yep, again.  No, I don’t drink or drive too fast (although I’ve always had a lead foot).  But just performing personal care functions, is surprisingly difficult.  I think it’s a way of self punishment? Or just lack of caring or energy

I jokingly tell people that they don’t want to make me mad, but I ain’t kidding.  No, I no longer feel like killing someone, but I could have without a single regret.  The anger is still there and why would it not be? 18 condo units burned totally down in 3 1/2 years.  Impossible with modern construction methods and building code.  I lost everthing including a pet.  I’ll always remember and never forget.  A lifetime and generation of items and memories.  No, I won’t kill or physically hurt, but there are many ways to express displeasure.

Many times I have difficulty speaking, not to mention thinking straight when anything regarding the fire pops up.  I physically shake and it will last for days, moderating into what I refer to as vibrating on the inside. Bad scary dreams that can awaken me.  
  On top of all this my partner died unexpectedly.  I was also living in his house.  Well, my insurer could no longer pay him rent, so there went a whole new set of problems while dealing with tragedy and living most uncomfortably but gratefully in a hoarders home.

I take meds, I go to counseling.  Meds help but there are always side effects,  I have admitted myself to the hospital once and though about it at least twice more.  

However there are some small positives.  I can now write in cursive because my hand is steady enough.  I try my best to do fun things and laugh.  I’ve done a lot of work to my surroundings, although expenses have grown to quite a bit more. There are still quite a few things I can’t do and all the stress has brought on physical woes making it difficult to move much (hello, p.t.).

But I’m still here.  And I look darn good (generally).  I have another cat and have started cooking for myself and trying to remember to eat, not just junk.  

I try to watch less news (it’s all bad) and I’ve become a lot more empathetic.  

Tonight it’s homemade pizza!  I’m still missing some of my “secret ingredients” (hello,King Arthur Flour - link), but I’ll get there!  Slowly. With lots of help from good friends & family (cannabis, too).

Detailed info from the Mayo Clinic link.